Gary Shteyngart: Crying Myself to Sleep on the Icon of the Seas

miami skyline cruise

“And how long have you been his ‘little meatball’? Our Miami Skyline Cruises are offered in both English and Spanish by local tour guides. I may have failed to mention that all this time, the Icon of the Seas has not left port. As the fiery mango of the subtropical setting sun makes Miami’s condo skyline even more apocalyptic, the ship shoves off beneath a perfunctory display of fireworks. After the sun sets, in the far, dark distance, another circus-lit cruise ship ruptures the waves before us.

miami skyline cruise

Miami 90 min Skyline Sunset Cruise of South Beach & Venetian Islands

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Paddle around its mangroves on a kayak, dive into its coral reefs rich with marine life, and finish off your day in the sun with a refreshing slice of the city’s famous key lime pie. Known as the cruise capital of the world, Miami’s convenient location and year-round beach weather make it the perfect jumping-off point for a tropical vacation. Whether it’s a short cruise to the Bahamas or a longer sailing around the islands of the Caribbean, Miami is an exciting departure port for an unforgettable cruise.

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It’s not hard to find places to shop in Miami, but if there’s a particular type of shop you’re after, certain areas of the city are best. The Design District of Miami is known for its art galleries and high-end boutiques. When it comes to drinks, you’ll likely be able to find your favorite libation at one of the many bars and nightclubs lining the streets of Miami Beach.

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All designed to make your trip as pleasurable as your cruise. Tomorrow, I will spend more time with him, but first the ship docks at St. Thomas, in the U.S. Charlotte Amalie, the capital, is more charming in name than in presence, but I still all but jump off the ship to score a juicy oxtail and plantains at the well-known Petite Pump Room, overlooking the harbor. From one of the highest points in the small city, the Icon of the Seas appears bigger than the surrounding hills.

Miami Skyline 90 min Cruise of South Beach Millionaire Homes & Venetian Islands (HOP ON HOP OFF)

It is a fully automated shuttle that runs on electricity. The Metromover also connects with the Metrorail and Metrobus at downtown stations. For traveling around Miami and Miami Beach, trolleys offer free services with many routes available.

“This is very important to me, getting people to wash their hands,” he tells me in his burger getup. He has dreams, as an artist and a performer, but they are limited in scope. One day he wants to dress up as a piece of bacon for the morning shift.

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Book your Miami skyline cruise tour for yourself, family, friends, or a special someone. We strive to provide our guests with the best South Florida cruising experience. While the Miami skyline offers seemingly no shortage of outstanding views, the experience of cruising the bay is also an attraction all its own. Our guests routinely enjoy colorful sails on the water, marine life, and careering sea birds.

So I put on a normal James Perse T-shirt and headed for one of the bars on the Royal Promenade—the Schooner Bar, it was called, if memory serves correctly. I say hurtfully because as a Suite passenger I should be here, though my particular suite is far from the others. Whereas I am stuck amid the riffraff of Deck 11, this section is on the highborn Decks 16 and 17, and in passing, I peek into the spacious, tall-ceilinged staterooms from the hallway, dazzled by the glint of the waves and sun.

My suite windows and balcony do not face the ocean. Instead, they look out onto another shopping mall. This mall is the one that’s called Central Park, perhaps in homage to the Olmsted-designed bit of greenery in the middle of my hometown. Although on land I would be delighted to own a suite with Central Park views, here I am deeply depressed. To sail on a ship and not wake up to a vast blue carpet of ocean?

I saw something very similar in the back rooms of the famed Berghain club in early-aughts Berlin. Soon another harnessed man is gyrating next to the first. But the show soon devolves into the usual Marvel-film-grade nonsense, with too much light and sound signifying nichts. If any fisting is happening, it is probably in the Suite Neighborhood, inside a cabin marked with an upside-down pineapple, which I understand means a couple are ready to swing, and I will see none of it. The free Metromover covers downtown Miami and Brickell.

If you’re flying in the night before your cruise (which we recommend to accommodate for possible flight delays), check with your hotel if they offer a shuttle from the airport. Otherwise, you have plenty of other options, including a 24-hour Super Shuttle van service, taxis, and buses. If you’re going straight to the cruise port from MIA, you can take a taxi to the cruise terminal or take the cruise shuttle bus that you can purchase tickets for through Celebrity Cruises. Opt for Brightline+ services, designed to take you from train to cruise ship—or vice versa—with zero hassle.

There’s some kind of P-word to which I am not attuned. Meanwhile elderly passengers stream right past, powered by their limbs, walkers, and electric wheelchairs. “It is only pendejo dining today, sir.” “But I have a suite! ” I say, already starting to catch on to the ship’s class system. I am wearing a DADDY’S LITTLE MEATBALL T-shirt, I want to say to him.

If time allows we will go up the river and see Brickell and Brickell Ke.You haven’t seen Miami until you’ve seen it from the water. Your bi-lingual English and Spanish tour guide will point out the homes & landmarks along the way. Enjoy a cash bar on board serving beverages and snacks. Our fleet consists of a bi-level yacht with air conditioning and first level large open windows and shaded top deck.Upgrade to include tickets to a Hop-on Hop-off Double Decker Bus ticket or Everglades!

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